Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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