I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize