I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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