We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
