new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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