You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
