I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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