I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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