Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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