it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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