Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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