Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
