Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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