I wanna bring you to show and tell
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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