i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
