I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
