The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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