the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
