No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Randomize
