thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
