I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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