Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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