i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
