i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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