so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
