So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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