i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just cropdusted the office
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
