You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
