She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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