I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I want her autograph on my taint
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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