Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
