she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
