i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
