When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
