I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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