Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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