in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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