we have officially lost it.
youre lurking in front of me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
as a side note pls kill me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
