I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
