we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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