I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
