Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
