i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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