Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
