If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
