either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
