The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
