Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Drunk is a universal language darling
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