He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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