2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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